Tomorrow morning I back to college and I’m still not packed. But it’s OK! Because I found a much better use of my time. Below is a list of several presidential campaigns that are still active. There’s more on the menu than McCain and Obama, believe it or not. The ones with an asterisk (*) are not on enough ballots to theoretically win the election but haven’t officially withdrawn.

  • John McCain (Republican): Needs no explanation (I won’t vote for him).
  • Barack Obama (Democrat): Needs no explanation (I won’t vote for him).
  • Bob Barr (Libertarian): He’s OK. You may remember him from the Clinton scandal, or as the guy who regretted pushing the USAPATRIOT Act so deeply that he didn’t pursue re-election, or as the shy guy who awkwardly licked whipped cream off of a young woman’s neck at a campaign fund raiser. Sadly, I’ll probably end up voting for him.
  • Ralph Nader (Peace and Freedom): “The solution for Now and Later … Nader!” In all seriousness, there aren’t too many people more earnest in America’s political theater. Too bad he’s on the other side of almost all domestic issues.
  • Cynthia McKinney (Green): Pretty much nuts (Green Party, get serious), but it’s actually still mathematically possible for her to win.
  • Chuck Baldwin (Constitution): Not terrible. In fact, he’s someone I might support for local office. Sadly, he’s a little too interested in religious-enforcement-through-public-policy for federal office.
  • * Alan Keyes (America’s Independent): Very smart, gifted speaker, but alas… bat-shit crazy. Ran with the Republican’s for years now, but is pretty much fed up with them. I wouldn’t vote for him as president, but State Congress? Maybe.
  • * Gene Amondson (Prohibition) Yes, the prohibition movement is still around. Yes, he is literally only concerned with banning alcohol. Cheers, Gene.
  • * Gloria La Riva (Party for Socialism and Liberation): Luckily doesn’t stand a chance.
  • * Brian Moore (Socialist): More socialists, just less organized.
  • * Frank McEnulty (New American Independent): Um, his campaign pretty much doesn’t exist. It’s very difficult to find out what he’s looking to do.
  • * Charles Jay (Boston Tea Party): Interesting, but doesn’t really seem serious. Too bad.

And now you know.